Transparency

I dipped my face in cold water,

deep till I saw my own reflection.

I opened my eyes wide

to see the world I have left behind,

for my past becomes history

and future a mystery.

I look to my left and to my right,

I know I have to fight

I finally rise up from the bucket,

I am in air, I see that I can breathe,

I still feel the giddiness.

I observe my surrounding,

they are all so happy, so ecstatic,

I believe, except for me.

I remember the day, she used to be mine,

forever, lifetime,

I hope one day I’ll be able to shine,

as bright as star,

pure and divine

Till then I wait,

the time it takes is like the love,

eternal, bifurcating, suffocating

I see that I divide,

between the wilderness and the wild

I am no more a child,

sweet and mild.

I am tired now,

with the keys kept back in their place,

I sit under solace,

align the mat,

finally, I sat

till date I am glad,

I have now proved that I’m mad

mad in love or a mad who had

the life he lost

 

he fought for love and he died,

so says his soul,

while touching tap,

aligned the handle,

checked the stove,

for the next time, it catches fire,

the burnt soul may call for help,

will you find my love in the soul

which is going back to hell?

I know that eve if you won’t,

I knew you’ve never have shown,

your detest on me,

well, now that’s what I see…

I suck! I totally do. I know that I am good for nothing, a total loser and completely hopeless. I decide to think upon my mistakes, I find myself guilty of my deeds! I totally am, but this guilt kills, it is killing me! I was so fond of the friends I made recently, that I completely forgot how much informal I should be! everything has a limit, I crossed it, I bear it, because I deserve it.

I do not want to act completely innocent, but here I know that I have broken your heart, I know that I have hurt you,at least I know it now. Until yet I was a maniac, I still am, but now I am a hopeless maniac, who do needs medication! I have totally lost my mind, I know why, what have I done, nothing, nothing special indeed, no one is going to attend my funeral, no one is going to remember me, I see my future. I now know it. When I was young, I thought, people hate being friends with me because I was a vanilla person, but now I know, people hate me because of what I am, I realise I was not this before, I am turning to this now. I hate being me. I hate myself.

Sometimes, I feel that life has given me two options, A) Loose Hope, B) Quit. By losing hope I am for sure to lose my best friend, but by quitting I won’t lose her, I will lose myself, which I find to be much more appealing. Maybe life won’t give me any other options than these, so I prefer to quit, well certainly the happiness, in life, for if I quit my life, I will be a coward, which I won’t. My emotions now are mixed. I am now clear, clear with my ideas, with my thoughts, I know I am now numb, I will simply be an ignorant person (too rare for a person with OCD), I am through with my life, but it never means I will stop loving my best friend. She’s the only one I have got, and I know for sure, that my life won’t let me quit on her, well atleast I have my Ganesha with me.

Its rare to see a blind cry. I do not know but I do feel, that with these cries, I am surely to loose my vision one day, I eagerly wish that I lie on the death bed right now, I really wish that I be a victim of my own dirty deeds, I really know that I am the most messed up person in this whole of world, I am totally helpless.

You say we are still friends, you say I broke your heart, you say I played a game… I’d rather die if I ever would have wanted to hurt you, you know that very well, what you mean to me, and still if you think I don’t care, I hate myself, I am self-depressed, I need you, I need you the most. Please don’t leave me. And I love being criticized, I know I am dreadful, I know its only you who can help me, and I know it very well that I won’t ever be able to forgive myself for what I did.

I do care for the one who don’t care, I do love the one who doesn’t love, I do know the one who doesn’t know, I do love myself, I don’t love me. I always knew that God couldn’t have gifted me such a carefree life, I know that you cannot forgive me for I broke your heart, but I do know that I cannot even forgive myself for breaking your heart, I know that… I still love you the most of all my friends, my best friend, dearest Aakarshi.

I am having Nights to fight, the bird will always miss his sister, his beloved chhoti, and I hope one day you will come to me and put a fullstop to this punishment.

Words said once, cannot be taken back,

tears dropped once cannot be sunked in back,

trashed heart will never regain its purity,

lost people will never come back.

Finding the way will create a maze,

finding no way out I die,

I die for the desire to see my friend back,

I create a hue for her to smile,

I insult myself to make her feel fine,

I cannot relate a word with life,

if it doesn’t relate any with mine.

I stand abashed facing my fate,

I look towards the closing gate.

I ran as to get out, but there I shout,

I was really very loud.

Alerted the guard he closed the gate,

looking at me with all his hate.

I stood there hoping,

one day I will be floating,

over the seas of happiness,

but I completely forgot

about the waves that kept me hurting.

I sit on the shore alone in silence,

playing myself the sad songs on violin.

I know one day happiness will come,

why that happiness on the cost of today?

Am I not human, I am hurt too.

I eagerly look forward for a smile someday,

at least I will be your friend one day.

I am really sorry, I hate this word, cuz I always mean it, but people do not find it the way that I mean! Sorry!

Cultivating Life…

A laugh can make a day and break a day, a smile can make you feel comfortable and a smile can make you feel insecure. It DEPENDS.

I close my eyes, I think, I breathe, I sigh! This giddiness doesn’t leave me to my own. I have always admired a quote:-

Never trust the doubted ones, never doubt the trusted ones, you have the real eyes to realise the real lies

I come to the conclusion, I need someone to break that feeling of loneliness, it itself is a killer. What do you do when you don’t have any hope left or when you are disappointed at yourself? Simple, you pray, you talk, you come to the conclusion, I find it the most helpful, and I was particularly resistant to do this but I finally did it, it helped.

I prayed to God, I spoke to my parents, and I came to the conclusion, that if I am being lonely, am I the one responsible, yeah maybe! I think about it on how to get back right on track, its not difficult, but it isn’t that simple as it looks, it really hurts when your dearest leaves you to bear the pain by the road, alone, in darkness. But where there is darkness, it does merges with the horizon of the light! Its just that one must trust (him/her)self. I had been through the case of being unhappy with myself, but I find that there’s no point being unhappy, it doesn’t suit me, it doesn’t lead to any solutions, and mind it, always, the issues can be resolved if they are brought by the victim, I know its difficult but it is not impossible

Only when a person itself wants to see the reform, he HAS to put the issue forward. It really helps, in all cases. And what makes me say this? Who would consider a 14 year old child’s advice, well another 14 year old child. Why? Because she is going through the same situation through which I was. The destinations are same but the paths are different. You chose the path with plain road, you reach safely, a crooked road leads to a crooked back and may even lead to break down, its always better to look for things without which one cannot bear, instead of the things that add excess loads on their back.

It’s always difficult to say what you really want, but it always gives relief in the end, i.e. it becomes the plain path and successful and safe arrival, but the cost of having adventures may not sound that pleasing if you have an equally greater chance of risking yourself in the name of fun, it doesn’t fit in. There are times where one feels helpless, one feels alone and miserable, but that’s the time God has given one to realise and amend one’s nature and correcting his way and choosing the right path. Both paths are parallel, only the depression and stress acts as a divider, it is always better to hang out with the one whom you really find pleasing and jolly and whom you want to spend more time with, its better if the two meet along in a group and enjoy their days, because its always this way – The one who come close before is always close to the heart, slight changes are there later on but this never means that one has left you alone and you have lost her as your friend. So it is simple, you know the people who love you, you know they cannot live without you, you need to cover up, you need to re-socialize with the one you think you’ve lost, for a loss is always evitable, its just your willingness to have your friend (Sh Sa)* back in your life… And trust me, you bet it, you will, because this year, I won’t let anyone come between you two, and for which I demand you to remain my best friend and I hope I still have a place in your heart! 🙂

P.S. Although I know I do, I never want you to be sad, have faith in yourself, God is always with you! You are blessed!

* – You got it right sis, I won’t let you feel you are loosing her, she knows how important you are to her and how important she is to you, you both will surely sustain and be friends forever! Do include me 🙂

I will always love you sis!

Sustaining?

I lost my best friend,

I don’t wish to speak to anyone,

its my parents who helped me out,

I am so grateful to them.

I never thought this would happen to me again,

I never thought that I wouldn’t remain till the end.

I never cared for what anyone said,

I just loved to keep you fed,

fed with the friendship I’ve got for you,

I still do care about you.

I feel that I was born to be left,

in this world full of unrest,

I believe that I was just a prop,

over which the people could jump and hop,

I know I was always after someone,

for me you were still the number one,

I tried my best to get you laugh,

I can’t bear this burden,

don’t know until when it will last.

I just want my friend back,

for which I don’t mind searching in a billions of shacks,

at least you could have given me something to remember,

you could have made me your family member,

I know I am as bitter as a cucumber,

Please help me out or I will tumble.

Deep down Below…

I never heard of a discarded piece of waste shouting, “help!”, until it was me!

For a smile I cried, its was your friendship I desired, I cannot help crying, I cannot help myself,

I never felt so lonely, I never felt helpless,

until I heard a cry not so selfish, its so heavy, I cannot bear it stealthily,

I need your hand, pull me up gently.

In a hope that you will come one day,

I sit alone on the couch, sobbing each day,

Scared of the darkness, never cared of Sun,

Hope you could cheer me up, with a good little pun.

I carry the weight alone yet,

Its just next to death,

I am hoping to see you soon,

one day instead.

Yet again I lost a friend,

one whose heart I was supposed to mend,

I am finding it difficult to sleep,

hope she is happy with this treat…

Yourself and two dots..

I clutched her tight, hugged her as if it was my last.. I see her desperate eyes, full of cries. I remember the times she used to be mine, I was loving for truth, not lying. I kept trying, her eyes magnifying, the beauties of all time. She was still crying. These cries now dominated the intimidating night. I wanted to help her out, but she kept lying, lying about the moments she rejoiced, lying about the love she avoid. She was now repulsive, repulsive about the  time. I could see the path ahead of us, it faded as my spectre, I couldn’t retain my smile, if she remains in the line, the curve smile contradicts the straight line. Its easy to say but difficult to imply, I kept looking across the sky. Each day I prayed to God, bless her with all the love you’ve got, each day I prayed to God, bring her back, to what she was.

Please turn to YOURSELF!

Smile away a mile

How much does it takes for you to pass on a smile?

You think, why do I care, you know it very well, there’s a reason a why I made you my bestie, I always want to see you happy, even though the life stands against you I am always there for you, literally ALWAYS! I just hate it when you are sad, I share my smallest happiness with you and you keep your sadness upto you, that ain’t fair. There’s no way I can shout on you, why, even I don’t know, maybe thats why God gave me you as a sister, for its only you I have got, no one else have such a share in my life, I trust you because, what I saw in you was the way you handle situations because I know that I needed you, and I always will, kya karun naadan hun. Idk how mujhe itni achhi dost milli, and I know I cannot afford to lose you, if I lose you, my life would never be normal again, everyday I will cry, everyday I will die, everyday I will call out for help, hoping you will return and help me out.

I am always there for you chhoti, but maybe you should realise that you should never be sad because no matter what happens there is someone who will always stand for you, no matter what the situation is, no matter who the opponent is, I can even fight death for a friend like this (YOU),  its just that, you need to believe me and be happy for I know I cannot be happy if you are not, every time you are disappointed in me, I feel disappointed in myself, and that itself is enough for me to realise your troubles, please stay happy, always! It was you who always supplied me with hope and courage to tackle all situations, I will always be indebted of you and you always knew I will love you unconditionally, never letting you feel alone… If you are happy please send a smile!

Cheer up lill sis! You don’t look good sad, I won’t give kulchas if you ever be sad again! 🙂

Your Dearest Brother,

Sattu!