ODE to My World

My life is quite blessed, why do I think so? Its simply because of the one I call my dearest sister – that’s you Aakarshi…

Although I fear constantly that some day I might loose you, or someday you might turn me out or maybe refuse to know me?! These are just my worst nightmares. Still they do scare me… But deep down below I know that as long as you are with me, I am the strongest person in the world. I know that I am very very  annoying and irritating but… only because I am so very attached to you. Its been hard on me not to speak to you for even a day, so maybe thats why I guess I am so desperate to talk to you. Anyways, siding off the justifications… I really admire you a lot. The only years I find worth living is the time I spent with you.

Every time you are beside me, I know that I have got my back covered, your smile is my strength. Life with you is beautiful, I don’t need to search even for a paradise. Growing up always feared me since I met you in grade 9… what if we seperate… but I can just assure you that I will still be waiting in the skating hall every dispersal and get for you an extra tiffin if you want to… Ik you think it’s just a passing phase and that its easy to say but difficult to keep, but since, you mean worlds to me, I am not going to sacrifise our world (infinity) no matter what happens.

All the time I have spent with you makes me feel how complete my life is. Still, I always manage to disappoint you. How can I be such a crap? Its you who had always helped me and lended me an ear every time I needed you and I can’t give you just one thing to you demand ie no calls. This make me feel how much I have failed as a brother, I deserve all the anger.

When I first met you I didn’t know what or how our friendship would turn over these years… But now every time I recall that phase I wish that we could be the same old friends forever… But each time I feel that I dissappointed you I feel sorry and very guilty. You are someone (the one) with whom I will never ever break my relationship with. To me you are the seven colors of the spectrum and I am the white light, this shows how incomplete I am without you. Had God given me any one wish that he could have fulfilled, I would have asked for you… to be by my side in all my liv(es), I would have wanted you to be my sister and stay with me forever.

Every time I see a drop of water falling from a leaking tap, I can corelate it with us, maybe? This is the way a drop separates out? Or maybe this is the way it unites with a much larger circle of other drops? Can be interpreted in both the ways… But for me… You are the tap and the larger group. Even though if we ever separate in geographic distance, I would surely rejoin you even if you were in the farthest ends of the earth.

One day, This will be a memory, watever happens today;

One day, we will separate; We’ll part away.

I’ll follow u everywhere, Wat might be, Wat may;

Can I just tell you, Not to go; Our love is here to stay.

~Aakarshi Agarwal

That day, I was asked to present a toast on your birthday, but I didn’t want to make the situation awkward for you so I skipped it… But all I wanted to say was… Thanks to my dearest favouritest beloved quintessential,  ever loving, best exceptionally proud of whom, loved by all but most by me, pretty, pretty hearted, always loved, brasils corrector, sweetest, MY WORLD, sister. This is to her, this is to my constant, this is to someone I love from the bottom of my heart and for someone for whom I can sacrifice my whole world for, afterall this is for someone who is my whole world and will always remain my chootu, Aakarshi… Never give on me. I respect your decision and I respect and love you even more. Never leave me, please!

—Sarthak ❤

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Stay Somewhere

I know I am not alone,

but I feel so, I know,

I know, I have got to see the morn

I deny so.

 

It seems like the night,

is turning me better

the words with might

deter my soft and feathers.

 

My pen, stays with me,

as long as my spirit lasts,

My ego stays within me

Until I break down and blast.

 

The rhymes challenge me,

My eyes deny to bow before thee

i try, I cry, it hurts it lasts,

but feels like having shots of darts.

 

Darkness surrounds me all around,

I believe, they’ll even do when I am in the ground,

when my hands are kept over my chest,

I’d regret denying the family fest.

 

I know it sounds absurd and childish,

I don’t want to see the sun,

for each time I do so, I loose those

Dark freezing burns.

 

Being a stone in the crowd pleases me none,

I have got no attention, I keep myself mum.

 

I was cradled with love and

smiled like a pleasant dove,

but now I stand all alone,

left to die, in the upcoming morning Sun.

See You Again

I was listening to this song today. I would really love to dedicate this song to you. 7 Replays.

I read it somewhere, A memory lasts for ever never does it die. True friends stay together, and never say goodbye!

Each time I listened to this, I find myself some months hence, I always see this picture that there will be a day when I will walk directly to my van, no more pastas, kulchas. It will be so difficult for me. But let me tell you… Distance will remain inversely proportional to my love for you (PS –  it will remain constant like maximum, but more than max if (hope not) you shift) hope you understand what I mean to say. But till then, I need your help, its terrible imagining this scene when I will be seeing you for the last time. But I want to assure you, I will at least for once, visit you there. It’s a hard fact. I will never let you leave me!

I will be needing so many memories for my survival. Right now my tears hurt me less than the pain I am feeling to see you go.

HELP

Will always remain your,

Dearest Brother,

Sattu…

💔

Falsely true

My truest desires cannot be expressed by my words, they all appear false.  Its true you broke my heart you shattered it into pieces, now you walk over them, darling, they are going to hurt you. See, again a false, it’s true that I can never imagine you in pain but… to me you are the Midnight lights, the expressions of dance, to me you are the world. To me you are a dream, a dream that I can only imagine, a dream which is false, which will never come true. We both are parallel line, always together but we never meet. If we do we loose our identity. To me you are not the limit you are  habit, it’s a well known fact that your smile enlightens the room, your eyes showcase the universe, you are light, bright white, with the mix of millions of beautiful pixels of colors, make me one of them and I will be delighted. I can measure the distance between us, but it’s only my imagination that keeps us close. Every tear drop I shed cries for the gone past, they’d just like to live a moment with you dancing and playing around. There’s always your identity left behind its your frgnance. To me you are the waves and I am the sea, clearly, we cannot be separated but it doesn’t mean that we will meet, the waves always show the sea and meet the shore, and the sea? Is left behind turning to a complete oblivion, in which it sinks in its own depth. Every slow song I hear, reminds me of you, reminds me of those moments, reminds me of those ten minutes of race with you to the park,reminds me of the PAST. It’s our my heart that beats and help me survive or is it the beats of these song reminding me of you that helps me live, I will never reckon.

Transparency

I dipped my face in cold water,

deep till I saw my own reflection.

I opened my eyes wide

to see the world I have left behind,

for my past becomes history

and future a mystery.

I look to my left and to my right,

I know I have to fight

I finally rise up from the bucket,

I am in air, I see that I can breathe,

I still feel the giddiness.

I observe my surrounding,

they are all so happy, so ecstatic,

I believe, except for me.

I remember the day, she used to be mine,

forever, lifetime,

I hope one day I’ll be able to shine,

as bright as star,

pure and divine

Till then I wait,

the time it takes is like the love,

eternal, bifurcating, suffocating

I see that I divide,

between the wilderness and the wild

I am no more a child,

sweet and mild.

I am tired now,

with the keys kept back in their place,

I sit under solace,

align the mat,

finally, I sat

till date I am glad,

I have now proved that I’m mad

mad in love or a mad who had

the life he lost

 

he fought for love and he died,

so says his soul,

while touching tap,

aligned the handle,

checked the stove,

for the next time, it catches fire,

the burnt soul may call for help,

will you find my love in the soul

which is going back to hell?

I know that eve if you won’t,

I knew you’ve never have shown,

your detest on me,

well, now that’s what I see…

I suck! I totally do. I know that I am good for nothing, a total loser and completely hopeless. I decide to think upon my mistakes, I find myself guilty of my deeds! I totally am, but this guilt kills, it is killing me! I was so fond of the friends I made recently, that I completely forgot how much informal I should be! everything has a limit, I crossed it, I bear it, because I deserve it.

I do not want to act completely innocent, but here I know that I have broken your heart, I know that I have hurt you,at least I know it now. Until yet I was a maniac, I still am, but now I am a hopeless maniac, who do needs medication! I have totally lost my mind, I know why, what have I done, nothing, nothing special indeed, no one is going to attend my funeral, no one is going to remember me, I see my future. I now know it. When I was young, I thought, people hate being friends with me because I was a vanilla person, but now I know, people hate me because of what I am, I realise I was not this before, I am turning to this now. I hate being me. I hate myself.

Sometimes, I feel that life has given me two options, A) Loose Hope, B) Quit. By losing hope I am for sure to lose my best friend, but by quitting I won’t lose her, I will lose myself, which I find to be much more appealing. Maybe life won’t give me any other options than these, so I prefer to quit, well certainly the happiness, in life, for if I quit my life, I will be a coward, which I won’t. My emotions now are mixed. I am now clear, clear with my ideas, with my thoughts, I know I am now numb, I will simply be an ignorant person (too rare for a person with OCD), I am through with my life, but it never means I will stop loving my best friend. She’s the only one I have got, and I know for sure, that my life won’t let me quit on her, well atleast I have my Ganesha with me.

Its rare to see a blind cry. I do not know but I do feel, that with these cries, I am surely to loose my vision one day, I eagerly wish that I lie on the death bed right now, I really wish that I be a victim of my own dirty deeds, I really know that I am the most messed up person in this whole of world, I am totally helpless.

You say we are still friends, you say I broke your heart, you say I played a game… I’d rather die if I ever would have wanted to hurt you, you know that very well, what you mean to me, and still if you think I don’t care, I hate myself, I am self-depressed, I need you, I need you the most. Please don’t leave me. And I love being criticized, I know I am dreadful, I know its only you who can help me, and I know it very well that I won’t ever be able to forgive myself for what I did.

I do care for the one who don’t care, I do love the one who doesn’t love, I do know the one who doesn’t know, I do love myself, I don’t love me. I always knew that God couldn’t have gifted me such a carefree life, I know that you cannot forgive me for I broke your heart, but I do know that I cannot even forgive myself for breaking your heart, I know that… I still love you the most of all my friends, my best friend, dearest Aakarshi.

I am having Nights to fight, the bird will always miss his sister, his beloved chhoti, and I hope one day you will come to me and put a fullstop to this punishment.

Words said once, cannot be taken back,

tears dropped once cannot be sunked in back,

trashed heart will never regain its purity,

lost people will never come back.

Finding the way will create a maze,

finding no way out I die,

I die for the desire to see my friend back,

I create a hue for her to smile,

I insult myself to make her feel fine,

I cannot relate a word with life,

if it doesn’t relate any with mine.

I stand abashed facing my fate,

I look towards the closing gate.

I ran as to get out, but there I shout,

I was really very loud.

Alerted the guard he closed the gate,

looking at me with all his hate.

I stood there hoping,

one day I will be floating,

over the seas of happiness,

but I completely forgot

about the waves that kept me hurting.

I sit on the shore alone in silence,

playing myself the sad songs on violin.

I know one day happiness will come,

why that happiness on the cost of today?

Am I not human, I am hurt too.

I eagerly look forward for a smile someday,

at least I will be your friend one day.

I am really sorry, I hate this word, cuz I always mean it, but people do not find it the way that I mean! Sorry!

Cultivating Life…

A laugh can make a day and break a day, a smile can make you feel comfortable and a smile can make you feel insecure. It DEPENDS.

I close my eyes, I think, I breathe, I sigh! This giddiness doesn’t leave me to my own. I have always admired a quote:-

Never trust the doubted ones, never doubt the trusted ones, you have the real eyes to realise the real lies

I come to the conclusion, I need someone to break that feeling of loneliness, it itself is a killer. What do you do when you don’t have any hope left or when you are disappointed at yourself? Simple, you pray, you talk, you come to the conclusion, I find it the most helpful, and I was particularly resistant to do this but I finally did it, it helped.

I prayed to God, I spoke to my parents, and I came to the conclusion, that if I am being lonely, am I the one responsible, yeah maybe! I think about it on how to get back right on track, its not difficult, but it isn’t that simple as it looks, it really hurts when your dearest leaves you to bear the pain by the road, alone, in darkness. But where there is darkness, it does merges with the horizon of the light! Its just that one must trust (him/her)self. I had been through the case of being unhappy with myself, but I find that there’s no point being unhappy, it doesn’t suit me, it doesn’t lead to any solutions, and mind it, always, the issues can be resolved if they are brought by the victim, I know its difficult but it is not impossible

Only when a person itself wants to see the reform, he HAS to put the issue forward. It really helps, in all cases. And what makes me say this? Who would consider a 14 year old child’s advice, well another 14 year old child. Why? Because she is going through the same situation through which I was. The destinations are same but the paths are different. You chose the path with plain road, you reach safely, a crooked road leads to a crooked back and may even lead to break down, its always better to look for things without which one cannot bear, instead of the things that add excess loads on their back.

It’s always difficult to say what you really want, but it always gives relief in the end, i.e. it becomes the plain path and successful and safe arrival, but the cost of having adventures may not sound that pleasing if you have an equally greater chance of risking yourself in the name of fun, it doesn’t fit in. There are times where one feels helpless, one feels alone and miserable, but that’s the time God has given one to realise and amend one’s nature and correcting his way and choosing the right path. Both paths are parallel, only the depression and stress acts as a divider, it is always better to hang out with the one whom you really find pleasing and jolly and whom you want to spend more time with, its better if the two meet along in a group and enjoy their days, because its always this way – The one who come close before is always close to the heart, slight changes are there later on but this never means that one has left you alone and you have lost her as your friend. So it is simple, you know the people who love you, you know they cannot live without you, you need to cover up, you need to re-socialize with the one you think you’ve lost, for a loss is always evitable, its just your willingness to have your friend (Sh Sa)* back in your life… And trust me, you bet it, you will, because this year, I won’t let anyone come between you two, and for which I demand you to remain my best friend and I hope I still have a place in your heart! 🙂

P.S. Although I know I do, I never want you to be sad, have faith in yourself, God is always with you! You are blessed!

* – You got it right sis, I won’t let you feel you are loosing her, she knows how important you are to her and how important she is to you, you both will surely sustain and be friends forever! Do include me 🙂

I will always love you sis!