I suck! I totally do. I know that I am good for nothing, a total loser and completely hopeless. I decide to think upon my mistakes, I find myself guilty of my deeds! I totally am, but this guilt kills, it is killing me! I was so fond of the friends I made recently, that I completely forgot how much informal I should be! everything has a limit, I crossed it, I bear it, because I deserve it.
I do not want to act completely innocent, but here I know that I have broken your heart, I know that I have hurt you,at least I know it now. Until yet I was a maniac, I still am, but now I am a hopeless maniac, who do needs medication! I have totally lost my mind, I know why, what have I done, nothing, nothing special indeed, no one is going to attend my funeral, no one is going to remember me, I see my future. I now know it. When I was young, I thought, people hate being friends with me because I was a vanilla person, but now I know, people hate me because of what I am, I realise I was not this before, I am turning to this now. I hate being me. I hate myself.
Sometimes, I feel that life has given me two options, A) Loose Hope, B) Quit. By losing hope I am for sure to lose my best friend, but by quitting I won’t lose her, I will lose myself, which I find to be much more appealing. Maybe life won’t give me any other options than these, so I prefer to quit, well certainly the happiness, in life, for if I quit my life, I will be a coward, which I won’t. My emotions now are mixed. I am now clear, clear with my ideas, with my thoughts, I know I am now numb, I will simply be an ignorant person (too rare for a person with OCD), I am through with my life, but it never means I will stop loving my best friend. She’s the only one I have got, and I know for sure, that my life won’t let me quit on her, well atleast I have my Ganesha with me.
Its rare to see a blind cry. I do not know but I do feel, that with these cries, I am surely to loose my vision one day, I eagerly wish that I lie on the death bed right now, I really wish that I be a victim of my own dirty deeds, I really know that I am the most messed up person in this whole of world, I am totally helpless.
You say we are still friends, you say I broke your heart, you say I played a game… I’d rather die if I ever would have wanted to hurt you, you know that very well, what you mean to me, and still if you think I don’t care, I hate myself, I am self-depressed, I need you, I need you the most. Please don’t leave me. And I love being criticized, I know I am dreadful, I know its only you who can help me, and I know it very well that I won’t ever be able to forgive myself for what I did.
I do care for the one who don’t care, I do love the one who doesn’t love, I do know the one who doesn’t know, I do love myself, I don’t love me. I always knew that God couldn’t have gifted me such a carefree life, I know that you cannot forgive me for I broke your heart, but I do know that I cannot even forgive myself for breaking your heart, I know that… I still love you the most of all my friends, my best friend, dearest Aakarshi.
I am having Nights to fight, the bird will always miss his sister, his beloved chhoti, and I hope one day you will come to me and put a fullstop to this punishment.
Words said once, cannot be taken back,
tears dropped once cannot be sunked in back,
trashed heart will never regain its purity,
lost people will never come back.
Finding the way will create a maze,
finding no way out I die,
I die for the desire to see my friend back,
I create a hue for her to smile,
I insult myself to make her feel fine,
I cannot relate a word with life,
if it doesn’t relate any with mine.
I stand abashed facing my fate,
I look towards the closing gate.
I ran as to get out, but there I shout,
I was really very loud.
Alerted the guard he closed the gate,
looking at me with all his hate.
I stood there hoping,
one day I will be floating,
over the seas of happiness,
but I completely forgot
about the waves that kept me hurting.
I sit on the shore alone in silence,
playing myself the sad songs on violin.
I know one day happiness will come,
why that happiness on the cost of today?
Am I not human, I am hurt too.
I eagerly look forward for a smile someday,
at least I will be your friend one day.
I am really sorry, I hate this word, cuz I always mean it, but people do not find it the way that I mean! Sorry!